Posts Tagged ‘labelling relationships’

The “Frat Boy”

Wednesday, July 17th, 2019

I want to talk about something that every college girl should be hyper aware of. I am sure most of you have heard the term “frat boy,” but I aim to dig a little deeper. I want to explain exactly what the stereotype of “frat boy” is; and how that stereotype is sometimes right on point. If you are trying to find a boyfriend, a “frat star” is definitely not the type of guy you should be looking for. Now, of course I know we cannot generalize and say that every boy in a frat acts the same. But I am simply explaining this situation from my experience. I have interviewed two guys that are in a fraternity in order to get more insight on how they think about things. 

Before talking about what I learned from these “frat boys,” I want to explain my experience with them. Since the minute I entered college I was a sorority girl, so I immediately became surrounded by fraternity guys. As a freshman, of course I did not know what was best for me and I got involved with a guy who had just become a pledge to a fraternity at my school. For those of you who don’t know, most college boys just want to have fun and hook up with as many girls as possible so that they can prove they are the alpha male to their frat brothers; it seems to be a pride thing from experience. I learned this later on in my college career but it was confirmed by a fraternity brother at JMU whom I interviewed. He explained that getting into college most guys do not have a romantic relationship on their mind. I learned this after becoming attached to two different frat boys my freshman year and being let down. And of course we can’t forget my 7 month “non-relationship” that was indeed with a frat boy. 

During my freshman year, I was consistently with a frat boy in my dorm and just like I let my sophomore year boy take advantage of my feelings, this freshman boy pretended to care as well, and that is just the honest truth. We would go out and the nights he wanted me he got me and the nights I saw him kissing other girls, he didn’t remember because of how much alcohol had been consumed. As I write this, I realize how similar this situation sounds to my situation from sophomore year. Apparently I have a type; and that type is a frat boy player. As a result of this, I was hurt many times by frat boys which is of course why I have such a negative outlook towards them. To find out what goes on in their minds, I interviewed two fraternity brothers who attend different schools to see if they think similarly. 

I asked them what their type of girl is and one responded with, “honestly hot, I’ll settle for attractive and if I’m drunk enough, then whatever.”  The second boy responded with, “a girl that is down for basically anything.” Again, we cannot generalize and say that every frat guy thinks this way, but I will say these responses alone may show the player mindset of a “frat boy.”

I then asked them, “if you had the chance to tell a girl how to pursue you and become your girlfriend what would you tell them to do?” Instead of giving me a straight answer, the guys explained what goes through a frat guys head when it comes to commitment and relationships. One explained that the majority of college guys want to stay single for their own selfish reasons. They both explained that guys are way less in touch with their emotions and when they might feel themselves liking a girl, they will talk themselves out of it because they are either not mature enough or simply not ready to dedicate the time to one person. They both shared that they are scared of commitment and when I asked why, neither had an actual answer. 

When trying to figure out why these frat guys really don’t like commitment or relationships, I asked if they believed being in a frat affects the way they treat girls and both immediately agreed that it did. One said, “being in a frat makes sex seem way more casual and transactional, but it should technically be that way in college. It can definitely poison your view of how an interaction should go with a girl.” He explained that seeing your fraternity brothers hooking up with multiple girls each weekend makes you think that this is the right way to act. It almost makes you want to act that way so that you can prove yourself and stand out in the fraternity. I’ve learned that a lot of this “frat boy” stereotype comes from pride and wanting to fit in. It is also based on pleasure, of course and a lot of the times these boys genuinely only think about themselves when they do things. I asked if they ever think about the girls feelings when they hook up with someone else and they explained that guys will pretty much disassociate the feelings of the girl because in their minds, the girl is just being crazy when they ask to hangout more than a few times. They basically said that they are just not mature enough or ready for a relationship and explained that, “honestly I am focused on myself and my career and don’t wanna worry about another person before I have to.” Of course this response sounds corrupt, but that just exemplifies the way many frat boys think and explains why they treat girls the way they do. One of them even thought that saying something to a girl in the moment to make them happy, is worth the girl being hurt later on when they realize these words were a lie. They thought that this temporary happiness was enough; I clearly explained why that thought process was morally incorrect. 

When it comes down to it, again I cannot say that every frat boy acts in this manner, but I can definitely say that fraternities have an effect on the way a guy treats a girl throughout college. Many fraternities set the precedent, exemplify, and encourage this type of behavior towards girls. When the real world hits, and it isn’t that easy to “get a girl” anymore, us women will be in control and these “frat boys” will learn that treating girls this way does not work.  If these boys in fraternities continue to act immaturely and refuse to acknowledge their own flaws, they will most likely find themselves alone. 

 


 

By Hannah Sternberg

Hannah is a rising Senior at James Madison University majoring in the School of Media Arts and Design with a concentration of Broadcast Journalism. She works for her schools weekly newscast called Breeze TV as a reporter in training and this year will become a full time reporter. Her dream is to become a reporter but she also enjoys the entertainment production industry. One of her favorite things to do to relieve stress is dancing. 

For over 20 years, the Campus Clipper has been offering awesome student discounts in NYC,  from the East Side to Greenwich Village. Along with inspiration, the company offers students a special coupon booklet and the Official Student Guide, which encourage them to discover new places in the city and save money on food, clothing and services.  

At the Campus Clipper, not only do we help our interns learn new skills, make money, and create wonderful e-books, we give them a platform to teach others. Check our website for more student savings and watch our YouTube video showing off some of New York City’s finest students during the Welcome Week of 2015.

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The Lies and the Truths

Tuesday, July 9th, 2019

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This is just one example of the sad and honestly pathetic conversations I would have with my so called “ex.” As I read these texts now, I can see right through them, clearly. He would manipulate me in every which way; he would tell me how much he cared about me and how he wanted to see me. In reality, all those times he “missed me,” he missed having sex with me and that is all. He knew how deeply I felt about him because I would tell him every time I was with him. I couldn’t help myself and I never knew why. He used his knowledge of my feelings for him as his way in every time. One of the many times he “won” me back was after three weeks of me cutting him off. I hadn’t seen, texted, called, or snap chatted him for a full 3 weeks. And for me, that was unheard of. I was so proud of myself at the time—another red flag that should have made me want to end it. But of course the weekend came along, and after another night out with my girlfriends, distracting myself and trying to move on, I got a text from him. He asked me to come to his party so that we could talk. My head was telling me no and to stay with my friends but every bone in my body wanted to see him. For some reason I felt that I needed to see the guy that refused to commit to me because he wanted to live out his college years kissing as many girls as possible. I used to think that me being at his parties would stop him from doing that. I learned quickly that was not the case. In reality, there was nothing appealing about him; but I convinced myself that there was. His looks and his fun energy is what I was attracted to and that caused me to ignore every red flag that was waving directly in front of my face.Despite all the pain and suffering he put me through, I still craved his presence and his touch. 

So, I had to convince my friend to come with me to his party. I promised her I was only going to talk to him and leave. It took me a while to get her to come with me because she didn’t agree with my decision to see him; but I explained that it will make me happy. She reluctantly agreed and came with me. I hated the fact that I had to convince my friends to even see him but at the time, all I could think about was seeing him.  I promised her I was only going to talk to him and leave. Well, of course that was not what happened. I went home with him that night. When my friends found out that I had spent the night with him, they were so angry with me. They of course reminded me of how poorly he treats me and made sure I knew what I was getting myself back into. Again, I knew it was wrong but I was doing what made me happy. He promised me that our time apart made him realize how much he cared about me and that night it felt like I was finally getting what I wanted. We went and got food (only our second date technically) and it felt like we were floating on clouds.

That very next weekend, he took a Xanax, blacked out, and made out with multiple girls in front of my face. Again. It felt like someone had taken a knife and stabbed me directly through my heart. I was tired, upset, heartbroken, but I was angry more than anything. Even though he still hadn’t officially committed to me, for some reason I thought this time would be different; he made me believe it would be by his smooth manipulative words. It was certainly not. 

It’s weird because as it was happening, I knew that being with him wasn’t right. I would even sometimes sneak around and lie to my friends about where I was, when I was with him. If he would stay the night at my house, I would make sure to wake up early to drive him home just so my roommates wouldn’t know. I knew it was wrong. So why did I keep doing it? Why would I keep going right back to him even when I knew how wrong it was? Everything he did and said should have made me turn away; but he always convinced me that I was in the wrong. I was so blinded by the lust that I convinced myself I loved him. I had never been with someone that made me feel so comfortable. I always felt like I could be myself around him because he accepted everything about me. He accepted the fact that I enjoyed dancing for more than just pleasure. He understood why I almost chose dance as a career. But he also helped me to stay on the path I chose. I let the way he made me feel, the lust, affection and attention he gave me blind my morals. To me it was more than just sex. I made decisions that I would not have made if I would have just realized he was treating me like a doll. He enjoyed his time with me but I realized we mostly hung out at night. And we mostly hung out in his room. I would not have hooked up with those other guys if he would have just committed to me. I would not have hooked up with those other guys if he didn’t make me feel revengeful.

Sometimes every bone in your body will tell that you want something you shouldn’t. Don’t ever let that control your decisions. I regret the amount of times I let him take advantage of me. I regret the amount of times I would defend his actions to my friends. If you ever find yourself making decisions about your life based on someone else – especially when that someone else clearly doesn’t think the same as you do – then take a second and rethink your actions. Rethink who you’re spending your time with. And rethink why you are doing the things you are doing. Look at your situation from a third person point of view. If what was happening to you happened to your friend, what advice would you give them? Would you tell them to stay? Or to run? If it doesn’t feel right, then make a change. It took me making the same mistakes multiple times to learn to give up. Don’t let a toxic situation last that long. 

Listen to the truths, not the lies.

 


By Hannah Sternberg

Hannah is a rising Senior at James Madison University majoring in the School of Media Arts and Design with a concentration of Broadcast Journalism. She works for her schools weekly newscast called Breeze TV as a reporter in training and this year will become a full time reporter. Her dream is to become a reporter but she also enjoys the entertainment production industry. One of her favorite things to do to relieve stress is dancing. 

For over 20 years, the Campus Clipper has been offering awesome student discounts in NYC,  from the East Side to Greenwich Village. Along with inspiration, the company offers students a special coupon booklet and the Official Student Guide, which encourage them to discover new places in the city and save money on food, clothing and services.  

At the Campus Clipper, not only do we help our interns learn new skills, make money, and create wonderful e-books, we give them a platform to teach others. Check our website for more student savings and watch our YouTube video showing off some of New York City’s finest students during the Welcome Week of 2015.

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The Trap

Monday, July 1st, 2019

Three years ago I began my college career as a journalism student at James Madison University. As a result of not having a boyfriend in high school, I came into college with the mindset of finding my first boyfriend. After 4 years of high school experiencing immature, selfish boys, I thought that these older men would be ready for a relationship. Boy was I in for a reality check. I soon learned that college boys were no different than high school boys. And I am realizing now, my actions were not much different either. 

Throughout my freshman year, I met two guys; one in the beginning and one at the end. In my head, I could see myself dating them. I found myself getting attached to both, all to find out that a relationship was farthest from the thing they wanted – which was sex. It didn’t matter to them how many girls they were hurting, from my experience, all they cared about was themselves and their pleasure. You would think I would have learned from my freshman year, but as sophomore year began, so did my “non-relationship” full of toxicity and lies.

There was a guy that I had befriended at the end of my freshman year who had just gotten into a fraternity and was finally thriving. He was fun, energetic, which are qualities I believed we shared. When we hung out it was fun and careless and entertaining. I developed a crush. The beginning of my sophomore year this friend and I left a party together, and from there on out I was hooked. I liked the way he would wrap his whole arm around my body, holding me close to his, when we cuddled. I liked waking up in the same position after falling asleep without realizing it. I loved that when we kissed I could feel the butterflies in my whole body. I was happy and relaxed. I found myself thinking about him more often than not. He would text and snapchat me. And in my head that meant that he cared about me. As time went on, these thoughts intensified. and I felt myself always wanting to be in his presence. 

None of my friends liked him from the beginning. Now, looking back I realize how important it is to listen to your friends. All they want is the best for you and when they tell you something, it’s something that you probably can’t see. They could see the type of guy he was. I knew what type of guy he was but at the time I was blinded by what I thought was love. You would think I would stop after he made out with multiple girls in my sorority right in front of my face. You would think I would stop when he then continued to try and kiss me immediately after this. You would think I would stop when one night, I was hanging out with his roommates after a night out (who were also my friends) and he came home with another girl on his arm. But I couldn’t stop.

The fighting started when he began taking Xanax every time he went out. He would black out and become a different person. Almost every night we went out together, he would argue with me over nothing. The Xanax made him cruel and verbally abusive. But of course being the person that I am, I wanted to help him and I didn’t want to stop trying. But, I started to see how selfish of a person he really was. I would cut him off for weeks at a time; start to feel okay about it, and then the calls and texts about how much he missed me would begin again. And once again I would fall right back in.

My friends would tell me over and over again that he didn’t truthfully care about me the way he said he did, but I would ignore it because at the time, I was doing what made me happy. And this guy knew how to make me believe every word he said. When we went home for school breaks, he would facetime me for hours. I thought this meant he cared. I learned later that most of those calls he was on Xanax. When we got back to school for the spring semester, we didn’t stop hanging out but the fighting got worse. I questioned him over and over again about why he wouldn’t commit to me. He would tell me he liked me and enjoyed being around me, so why couldn’t I be the only girl he saw?

I thought that because he wasn’t treating the other girls like he treated me it was okay. I have since learned how wrong I was. All I wanted was to be able to see him and that alone ruined me. I let him do things that were not okay, I would forgive him for things that should not have been forgiven, and I even did things that I am not proud of. I had to learn it all on my own though. I couldn’t hear it from my friends because it wasn’t what I wanted to hear. So I continued letting him take advantage of my emotions. I continued going back to him every time, even though I knew it wasn’t right.

I was trapped.

 


By Hannah Sternberg

Hannah is a rising Senior at James Madison University majoring in the School of Media Arts and Design with a concentration of Broadcast Journalism. She works for her schools weekly newscast called Breeze TV as a reporter in training and this year will become a full time reporter. Her dream is to become a reporter but she also enjoys the entertainment production industry. One of her favorite things to do to relieve stress is dancing. 

For over 20 years, the Campus Clipper has been offering awesome student discounts in NYC,  from the East Side to Greenwich Village. Along with inspiration, the company offers students a special coupon booklet and the Official Student Guide, which encourage them to discover new places in the city and save money on food, clothing and services.  

At the Campus Clipper, not only do we help our interns learn new skills, make money, and create wonderful e-books, we give them a platform to teach others. Check our website for more student savings and watch our YouTube video showing off some of New York City’s finest students during the Welcome Week of 2015.

 

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To Be or Not to Be…Facebook Official

Saturday, June 30th, 2012

“Being in a relationship with someone on Facebook is basically like proposing marriage,” read a friend’s Facebook status, which had about twenty “likes” and a few affirmative comments.  I scrolled down my wall and saw that a friend “is now listed as single.” I called my boyfriend.  “What happened with them?” He was as shocked as I was, both of us having first heard through our News Feed.

 

 

After my first break up, I also had to “break up” with my ex on Facebook because we were one among many couples that chose to make our relationship “Facebook official.” We made sure that we told certain people by mouth first so that they didn’t discover it online. The two of us gave each other the nod, logged onto our accounts, and listed ourselves as single. I tried to hide it from my notifications, but people found out anyway. Comments and messages of regret and comfort trickled in even though no one knew what had happened or why we called it quits. Part of me felt bad that still so many people had to find out online, but, then again, I didn’t have the time or emotional stability to tell everyone who seemed to care. I hated the Facebook attention, but at the same time it was comforting to know that I had support.

Over a year later, I was watching television with my parents when I got a text message: “call me when u go on facebook.”  I responded, “Okay,” figuring Matt just wanted to talk online, and then joked with my dad about the Cialis commercial and waited for the end of the “NCIS” episode. Little did I know, Matt and his best friend were freaking out, suspecting that I had already seen the Facebook relationship request he sent me and was rejecting it without physically clicking the “reject” button. One commercial break later, another text message: “Sup? Go on the computer yet?”  I smiled. A week earlier during our “relationship talk,” we agreed that we didn’t have much of an opinion about our status on Facebook, but a decision had clearly been made.

I’ve always found the “Information” section of Facebook to be a strange concept, as if we define ourselves primarily by our name, hometown, gender, age, sexual orientation, and relationship status. It serves as our “Hi, my name is” sticker, and it is often one of the first things we look at when visiting someone’s profile.

The desire to “go public” with a relationship is definitely a matter of preference. I know some people who have been dating for years and still leave their statuses undefined. In fact, Facebook reported in 2010 that its majority of users, 37.62%, choose not to label their status at all.

I once had a weird, unlabeled relationship, the kind where you introduce your slightly-significant other to friends just by his name and laugh awkwardly when people make more defined assumptions. It was the kind of relationship that I wasn’t really sure how to label, but I didn’t mind; we decided to date exclusively but we weren’t yet committed, and I figured we would just see where time together took us.

Then he said he wanted to be more than whatever we were. I was hesitant but agreed to it if we would take it slow. He assumed since we were “officially together,” we would put it on Facebook. I silently freaked out but reluctantly accepted. Why should it matter? I asked myself. We’re not seeing other people, I’m now calling myself his girlfriend, so what’s the big deal? We have that picture online, some of my friends have met him, my mom knows about him….Besides, it’s just a thing on Facebook.

That night I had congratulations and “likes” on my new update from people who had never even heard of the guy I was dating and didn’t have any clue that I was the least bit apprehensive about being in a relationship. I felt incorrectly labeled, fresh produce in the frozen food section.

Twelve days later, I was searching the Facebook help pages to try to figure out how to guarantee my notifications were hidden from the world, asking friends to check their News Feed to make sure my update wasn’t there. The other end of the relationship didn’t seem to care as much about people knowing about our break up, implied by his spiteful and directed statuses which he updated every few minutes to get his point across, either to me or to everyone else.

After he de-friended me, it became clear whose attention he really wanted. What makes a relationship status a “big deal” is the fact that so many others see it. It’s like the virtual ring on your finger or locket around your neck, except it’s harder to wear it one day and not the other without people noticing. Therefore, it all comes down to the beginning: once you set a relationship status, you have to accept whatever buzz it creates as well as what might happen if it changes.

When you’re in a relationship with the right person (or married to, engaged to, in a complicated something-or-other with, etc.), you might just find that it feels right to let your Facebook friends know about him or her. Talk about it, think about it, and, if it’s what you want, break away from your “NCIS” episode, run to your laptop, and click “accept.”

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